Tom Cruise Rantings

Looks like someone we know needs to take it out of Cruise control
By Alyson Ward
Star-Telegram Staff Writer

Associated Press / Stephen Chernin

What happened, Tom Cruise? You used to make us so happy.
You're not tall. You're not, you know, a brilliant actor. But you've never had a shortage of female fans.
Back in the day, you made us swoon with your Top Gun Ray-Bans and your gleaming smile. When you went a little crazy in Jerry Maguire, we knew you were right, and we loved you for loving Dorothy. You were, frankly, kind of creepy in Eyes Wide Shut and Vanilla Sky -- but hey, we were game. After all, you were just acting.
But were you, Tom? Were you acting? Because lately there's a look in your eyes that's sort of like -- well, like madness.
At some point, while we were busy renting Rain Man and downloading Take My Breath Away, you became a maniac. You started jumping on couches and raving about psychiatry, picking a fight with Brooke Shields and -- well, look what you've done to Katie Holmes. We know, we know; you love this woman. But she's a shell of her former self, Tom. And so are you.
They're calling you Cruisazy, Tom. Your entire existence is shrouded in yuckiness. And we may need to spend some time apart.
It's not us, it's you.
So. Is this a breakup letter? Well, you tell us.
Your mission is to win back your female fans, the ones who are edging away from you in discomfort and disgust. We have advice. Help us help you, Tom. Here are 10 things you can do to fix this rift between us:

1. Keep your feet on the ground. Literally.
First there was the jumping-on-Oprah's-furniture episode. Highly inappropriate.
Jumping on the couch wasn't merely a lapse in decorum. It looked crazy. So crazy that now in American slang, "jumping the couch" means "going crazy."
One jump was bad enough. But in the past few weeks, you've been at it again. At a Yahoo! "Influential Speakers" event in March, you hopped up on your chair and waved your arms around. (Even though you were mocking yourself, it's still weird, Tom.) You jumped on top of a Mercedes-Benz in Rome to promote Mission: Impossible III. And you climbed a pole -- climbed a pole -- at the movie's French premiere last week. Come on, Tom. You're 43. Unless you're under the age of 10, climbing poles and jumping on furniture isn't cute. It's creepy.
Of course, it does get you a lot of attention. Which reminds us -- here's another thing you can do:

2. Stop shilling for Mission: Impossible III for just one minute.
Seriously. Go home and be with your baby. Skip the press tour.
Suri arrived just 18 days before M:I3's U.S. premiere. And before the kid could stop looking all newborn-pink and scrunchy, you rushed off to promote your movie overseas. Oh, we know, we know. You had Katie's approval to gallivant. But really, Tom. Rome? And then Paris, and then London? You were signing autographs for European fans when you could have been bonding with your daughter. We're starting to think Suri's birth was just another way to promote the film.
And now that we've mentioned the mother of your child . . . oh, we'll just say it:

3. Would it hurt you to go ahead and marry Katie?
You have a life together. You have a child. You proposed to her in the most clichéd publicity stunt imaginable, Eiffel Tower Boy. In fact, you've even given her another name ("Katie is a young girl's name," you told us. "Her name is Kate now.") We know you keep saying you'll do it this year, this summer, just as soon as Katie gets back in shape. But it would help if you'd set a date.
So take the plunge, Tom. It would appease a lot of your skeptical fans. However . . .

4. Don't do a movie with Katie.
You've talked a lot lately about how much you want to be in a movie with Katie. But the public does not need to see any more of you two together. We can get plenty of TomKat on Entertainment Tonight, Access Hollywood, Extra and the covers of People and Us Weekly. We don't need to pay $8 for the opportunity.
Movies -- well, the sorts of movies you do -- are supposed to be a break from reality. Give us a break, Tom. Please. And while you're at it . . .

5. Apologize to Matt Lauer.
We haven't forgotten the day you flipped out on Matt on morning TV, ranting about Ritalin, dissing Brooke Shields and calling psychiatry a pseudoscience. That was rude, Tom. You were glib and ill-informed. So please. Just go back on the show and make nice. It'd be a great sweeps stunt, like when Oprah finally made it to David Letterman's couch. (She didn't jump on it, though, Tom. Take note.)
We know this'll work. No, no, we -- will you let us talk? -- we do know. Because we know the history of celebrity apologies and you don't.
And as long as you're apologizing, it would help a lot if you'd also . . .

6. Apologize to Brooke Shields.
Brooke never did anything to you, Tom. She was just trying to survive in a postpartum world, and exercise and vitamins didn't cut it for her. Is that any reason to drag her into your war on Paxil? No. No, it's not. And you should apologize.
You had the perfect opportunity to do this last month: On the same day Suri was born, Brooke was giving birth to her daughter Grier in the same hospital. Would it have killed ya to send a balloon bouquet?
You know, this is reminding us of another problem.

7. You make Scientology look bad, Tom. Stop with the religious weirdness.
There are lots of Scientologists in the world, and they probably do not appreciate your antics. Really, Tom. They can be controversial on their own. The last thing they need is gossip about you having an adult pacifier made for Katie so she could have a silent birth.
We've gotten used to hearing you gab about the outrageous things you apparently believe. Which is why, when you joked in GQ that you planned to eat your newborn baby's placenta, we thought you might be serious. So . . .

8. Don't make weird jokes. We don't know when you're joking anymore.
That placenta thing? Not funny, Tom. And half the world's media reported it as fact. When you say you're going to eat a placenta and people take you seriously, you know there's a problem. They think it's plausible. They think you're weird. You need to not be weird.

9. In fact, just don't talk in public anymore. It's better that way.
You used to be sort of private, and we really preferred it that way. You and Nicole Kidman broke up and no one jumped on any furniture. It was dignified, normal. This whole "Tom Cruise is crazy" thing started when you fired your longtime publicist and hired your sister. She lost the job in November, but it was too late. Too late, Tom. In fact, it sort of is too late. Just . . .

10. Never mind. There is nothing you can do. Even if you end this little tear you're on, you probably can't win our devotion again. It's gone too far, Tom. Too far.
We'll have do what Penelope Cruz did after she saw the light: Move on to Matthew McConaughey. He may have spent his lackluster film career getting high, dancing around naked and playing the bongos, but he never made a joke about eating a placenta. You make him seem pretty normal. And downright lovable. Which you, Tom, used to be. Until you creeped us out.